Techno 2 and Star Wars Rebate

Posted by Steve on October 24, 2003: New comic here. Bob says if you don't read it and laugh at it, he's going to kill a kitten. So I don't know if you want that on your conscience.

Since the comic features video games, I guess I can complain about that for a bit. So, let's talk about things that suck about video games, shall we?

For starters, let's talk about the stupid company logo animations that appear as soon as the game boots up. Now, I understand you worked on the game, you financed it, whatever, and want people to know about it. Fine. I'm more than willing to sit through your little animation the first time I play. Any time after that, I just want to get to my game.

The problem starts when they make these things 20 minutes long, and then remove any ability to skip them. So every damn time you want to play the game, you have to watch the stupid animation of the bunnies building a nest and spelling the logo or whatever. And it doesn't end there, because then the next company's logo starts up. So now you have to watch the rocket fly into space, crash on the moon, the doors open, the bunnies come out, and make their nest on the moon, then the company logo spews from the stars in the background. And then the next one starts up, and so on. It's like a website with a stupid flash intro that you cant skip past. Or that annoying 30 minute infomercial you have to sit through to get to Gamespot's content. (Not that you should spend any great length of time their anyway. Get the screen shots from them, and the reviews from Game Revolution, you'll be better off.)

So you finally get past all that. Now comes the startup film with clips from the game. Fine. No problem there. Except that too is another half hour. Not only that, but they usually show you waaaaaaaaaaay to much of the game, sometimes even revealing major plot twists. Like a character that's supposed to be dead in the series makes a surprise return in a crucial point in the story, and yet there he is, front and center in the intro. Actually, the game box is good for this too. Like Wesker being right there on the back of the Code Veronica X box. Wouldn't you have been better off seeing that for the first time in the game instead of at the store? Or better yet, wouldn't you have been better off seeing it years earlier on the Dreamcast? (Sorry, that was mainly for Bob.)

Ok, that's done. Now we're at the title screen. This is kind of a minor one, but don't you love it when games say "press start" and that's the only button that will advance things along? Like most games "press start" means "press anything, just press something" but there's always a few games that are all militant and if you press "A" instead of "start" they're just like "I said 'start' damnit, and we're gonna just sit here until you get it right!" Not a big deal really, but I figured as long as we're on the subject, might as well point it out.

Ok, so now you're finally playing the game, and something's not right. The control layout is just horrible. The jump button is on the other side of the controller as the run button. Firing your weapon requires some bizzare combination of buttons and directional presses, etc. No big deal, you figure. You quit back to the title screen, and check out the options menu. Surely there's an option there to remap the controls to your liking, right? Wrong, and don't call me Surely. The developers, in their infinite wisdom, have decided that this is the the best way to layout the controls, and if you don't like it, you can just go to hell, cause we've already got your fifty bucks, sucker.

Alright, so you deal with the control problems, and eventually you get to a cut scene. (cinema scene, whatever you want to call them) Sadly, trouble is brewing here too. The first time through is usually no problem, as (hopefully) the story is interesting enough that you want to see every second of the scene. But after your first trip or two through the game (for the few games that offer enough replay value for you to bother) things are different. Now you already know how the story goes, and you've seen it a few times, and you'd rather get back to the game, so you start pressing buttons to skip. Unfortunately, this particular developer has decided "no way, you're going to listen to every damn word we have to say!" so you're stuck watching these same stupid scenes over and over. Or worse yet, it's your first time through, the story is great, you're totally into it, you're at a major point in the plot and suddenly...you're back in the game. What the heck? Then you notice you happened to breathe on the controller, skipping the whole scene. Now, this whole thing could have been avoided if the developers picked a specific button, say, the select button, to skip scenes. And if you press select, a confirmation box comes up to confirm your action. Would that be so hard?

So after a lot of tough levels, you finally beat the game. You feel great, and kick back to watch the fantastic ending that will without a doubt reward you for all that hard work and those thrown controllers. However, instead of some grand, cinematic epic, the little bunnies from the corporate logo intro hop onto the screen, hold up a cardboard sign with "congratulations" written on it, and the credits roll. "No no, this is a joke." you say to yourself. "They probably put the real ending after the credits, just to play a mean little trick on me." So you sit through the credits (which take longer than the time it took to actually beat the damn game) but when they're finally over, you don't see a "real" ending. Instead, you get a screen showing your "grade" based on stuff like how many times you healed, the time it took you to beat the game, how many times you saved, etc. Then you're told that to see better endings, you have to improve your grade. At first this isn't so bad, you figure. After all, time completed and times healed is a pretty good reflection of how good you did, and adds some replay value. The one that really gets to you is that save factor. Suddenly you're getting penalized for not having hours and hours to sit there and play the game straight through. Then to top it all off, to see the "real" ending, you have to beat the game start to finish in 3 hours straight, never healing or saving. Well that's just great. All I have to do to see the real ending to the story is play this game seven thousand times until I have a Rain Man like recall of where every enemy in every level is standing, how they attack, when they show up, etc. Luckily, this doesn't come up too often, since developers these days rarely come up with a story interesting enough for you to bother.

Which brings me to my last point, stories and endings. Now look, if you're just making another mindless first person shooter, I'll let you slide a little on the story. And if you're making a sports game, I'll let you slide a little on the ending. (Although it wouldn't kill you to come up with something better than the same old "players cheering on the field for 7 seconds" ending.) But too many games now don't even bother with any real story at all, and the gameplay isn't enough to make up for it.

So that's about it. All I'm trying to say is that if this stuff didn't happen so much, I wouldn't end up with so many coasters that double as crappy video games.

(As a side note, that's two straight news posts without swearing, and it literally hurts me to say "crap" instead of "sh*t", "heck" instead of "f*ck", etc.)

And finally, I offer you a monkey practicing karate. See you next week.

Posted by Bob on October 24, 2003: Don't really know how much I have to say, but after last week's post, things will probably look pretty anemic no matter what I say.

Last week gave us the Joker, and this week gives us Beach Head. Who will win for next time? Why, that's up to you!

So...Brother Bear? I swear, it seems like Disney isn't even trying. Like Steve said, "here's a new story about...i dont know, its a talking shoe and his wacky friends...or something...look, your kid is gonna make you take him, so just shut up and cough up the money." Glad to know it's not just me. And does Disney own Phil Collins now? You'd think he'd have the money already.

Picked up the new Castlevania for PS2 the other day. I'm not terribly far into it, but so far I like it. Castlevania is a series that needs to be in 2D, but it all seems good so far. That, and I finally beat Knights of the Old Republic. Game of the year so far. Unless something comes outta nowhere to top it, I think it'll stay that way too. AND I am almost finished with Freedom Fighters. Can you believe it? I'm actually finishing games I buy. I AM COMMITING A CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY!

And people say karaoke sucks! Well, I suppose "sucks" is still an appropriate enough word, considering the circumstances. Hmm. Well, I try to stop talking when I think I've found something I can't top, so I think it's time for me to stop now. Back in seven.